freedom with fear of the Lord
The fear of the Lord begins with wisdom. - Proverbs 1:7
Someone once important to me talked to me about the importance of truth. He was a truth-seeker, and I saw a kindred spirit in him. Our mutual thirst for truth and knowledge connected us, grounding us in each other’s and God’s presence. He was my brother in Christ, but our paths diverged and we walked separate ways. We connected again, but sin separated us.
I have been stuck in sin for a long time. Caught in the same old patterns of committing the same sins again and again. St. Augustine described sin as the state of being “incurvatus in se” or caved in on oneself. I used to be free, in motion, filled with joy, but now I am incurvatus in se, trapped and weighed down by my sin, by my body, by gravity. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly, according to GK Chesteron, but Satan is frozen within the confines of the ego, taking himself all too seriously.
I was given a penance of 100 Fathers a couple of years ago, a penance I didn’t complete back then but completed today, having remembered the cause and tipping point of it. I’m struggling to be freed from sin, and I am reflecting on the very nature of it. Am I good or bad, do my actions determine my worth, do my sins determine my fate, am I permanently scarred and broken by the mistakes I’ve committed years and years ago? I talked to Father, and I think I’m meant to walk this life alone, in atonement of my sins. I wish to pursue medicine, and have pursued it, and hope to return back to it in the future. Medicine saves lives, medicine protects, and medicine is enduring, because at the very core of it, its essence is knowledge.
A knowledge that endures. I love medical knowledge, science, anatomy, physiology, pathology, surgery. Knowledge passed down, knowledge growing and taking root in my mind. Embedded in my being, it helps me to find the truth of who God is, who God meant me to be.
In practicing medicine, I develop a strong “fear of the Lord.” A reverence, awe, and humble recognition of who God is. The fear of the Lord is a deep respect for God’s holiness, recognition of His power, justice, and authority, a love for His goodness and mercy, humility before His wisdom, awe of His greatness, and a desire to obey Him because He is worthy. I am in awe of the human form that He has created in His own image, the complexities and connections that sew our body and soul together in front of the living God. Our beings are so very finite and limited, only a fragment of His infinite being and majesty and power, only measured by the limits we put on ourselves through our actions and beliefs and accomplishments.
I am sorry, Lord, for my finite limitations. I am sorry, Lord, for the ways I’ve sinned against you and tarnished the creation you bestowed on me. I long for your forgiveness, for your mercy and for your wisdom and power. I am powerless and stuck in sin, and only you can free me from this cage, this chain of mistakes that lead me further from you. Please guide me back to you, Father, in your infinite embrace.
