Characterization:
Princess Leia: overly serious
R2D2: Class clown, doesn’t take things seriously
C3PO: Neurotic and robotic
Darth Vader: A gentleman with a secret no one must find out…
Storm troopers: lackeys with no personality
Obi Wan: senile wise person with a penchant for trying to be mysterious
Luke: naïve
Introduction:
At the end of the Spanish American War, the US takes possession of the Phillipines. The First Phillipine Republic objects to the terms of the US under the Treaty of Paris and rebel against the US. The Tagalog Republic forms after the Second Battle of Manila. The US build a secret weapon, the Death Star, with which they plan to obliterate the Taglog Republic and the PInoy Rebels. Princess Leia steals the architectural plans to the Death Star while on the US ship.
Skit 1:
Setting: Ocean, on a ship
Cast: darth vader, leia, r2d2, c3po, two storm troopers, one soldier
Darth Vader appears on stage with two storm troopers (freshmen?)
Darth Vader: Find her, she’s got the architectural plans for the “Death Star!” with the details of its weak spot. No one can know what the weak spot is… Do whatever you have to bring her to me alive.
Storm Troopers: Yes sir (scurry off)
Darth Vader: These incompetent fools don’t have what it takes to find the princess. I’ll find her myself. (leaves stage).
Princess Leia appears with R2D2
Princess Leia: Here are the blueprints for the Death Star and a message. Here’s your mission: Find Obi Kenobi on planet Tattoo and give him this.
R2D2: Yes, princess. Should I deliver this by USPS or Fedex?
Princess Leia: Surely you’re not serious?
R2D2: Just kidding, I’ll deliver it in person. But what about you, how are you going to hide from the enemy?
Princess Leia: Don’t worry about me, just find Obi Wan Kenobi and he’ll know what to do. Quick, they’re coming.
R2D2 leaves the stage with the message and blueprints. Darth Vader and storm troopers appear.
Darth Vader: HAHAHA I’ve found you princess. Give me those blueprints now!
Princess Leia: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Darth Vader: Search her! (storm troopers search her)
Storm troopers: Nothing sir.
Soldier appears: Sir, we’ve gotten notification that a boat has taken sail, but there are no signs of life on the boat.
Darth Vader: Of course there’s no life, droids are on the boat! She must have given those plans to those droids. Find those droids!
Storm troopers and soldier run off the stage
Darth Vader: Now, princess, you’ll tell me where the rebel camp is…
Leia: Never! I swear on the weak spot to the Death Star! Your precious…
Darth Vader: You will pay for that… (he uses the force on her, she collapses, he carries her off the stage).
Skit 2:
Setting: Deserted island in Phillipines
Cast: r2d2, c3po, luke, obi wan
C3PO: Thanks a lot for dragging me along with this “secret mission” of yours to god knows where? (looks around) where are we, south Africa?
R2D2: I’ve got to find Obi Wan Kenobi and give her Princess Leia’s message. And this isn’t South Africa, I think we’re in Tibet. Look there’s a Tibetan mastiff!
C3PO: Ye gods, what is that thing? That’s not a mastiff, that’s a monster!
R2D2: No that’s a Tibetan mastiff… I took a class in Tibetan basket weaving at Robot Academy and my instructor was obsessed with Tibetan dogs and showed us pictures of them every day.
C3PO: Okay, that’s besides the point. How are we going to find Obi Wan Kenobi in this deserted island?
R2D2: I’m going to use the force. (does some weird hand motions)
C3PO: What the hell are you doing and what’s the force?
R2D2: Oh look it’s working, I see some people approaching us!
C3PO: Those aren’t people, R2D2!
(monsters attack them)
C3PO: AHHHHH HELP ME
Luke comes in
Luke: I’ll save you guys! (jumps in, monsters start attacking luke)
C3PO: That literally did nothing…
R2D2: Obi Wan, where are you, help us!!
(Obi Wan appears, holding up his cloak)
Obi Wan: ARGHHHH (monsters scream and run away)
Luke: Oh hey Ben! I was just taking care of it, you didn’t need to help.
Obi Wan: from the looks of it, you were.
C3PO: Are you Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan: I haven’t heard that name in ages… but yes I am...
R2D2: I have a message for you from Princess Leia! Hands Obi Wan a CD
Obi Wan: How am I supposed to play this thing?
R2D2: Oh I forgot, I’m a robot! Puts the CD on head or something (any ideas)
(Video plays of Leia)
Leia: Hello, I am princess Leia, leader of the Pinoy Rebels. I have gotten access to information on the new weapon the US is building, the Death Star. They’re going to obliterate the Republic with it. The blueprints have information on the Death Star’s weak spot. You have to deliver the plans to the Rebel Camp and save the Republic. Help me Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.
(video ends)
Luke: She’s beautiful…
Obi Wan: We have a big mission ahead of us, Luke.
Luke: Wait, am I going on this mission too?
Obi Wan: You might not know this Luke, but I have fought with your father in the Clone Wars. Your father was a talented Jedi Knight, one of the best. He was gifted with the force.
Luke: What’s the Force?
Obi Wan: Ahh, the Force, how to describe it? The best thing would be to experience it yourself. Here, Luke, take this (gives light saber to Luke)
Luke: What is this?
Obi Wan: It’s a light saber. With the force, you can do anything with it.
Luke (plays with the light saber): After the US killed my family and destroyed my home, I have nothing left. So yes, I want to join you and be like my father, and learn the way of the Jedi.
Obi Wan: Come, Luke! We must find a plane to take us to the Rebel Camp. I know just the place.
(Obi and luke leave)
R2D2: I think they forgot about us…
C3PO: How dare they!
(Obi wan and luke come back and drag them off the stage)
-
Skit 3:
Setting: At a bar
Hans and Chewie sitting on a table
Hans: I’m in some big trouble, Chewie. Got some people after my back who want me dead. They want a million pesos or my dead body. What should I do?
Chewie: aRGHHH
Hans: I can’t do that Chewie, I got a reputation to withhold. I know I have almost no morals, but being a male stripper is crossing the line for me.
Chewie: ARGHHHH
(Luke and Obi Wan)
Luke: Hey are you Hans?
Hans: What’s it to you, kid?
Obi Wan: We’ve heard from some men here that you have the fastest plane in the entire country.
Luke: Yeah, the Moo Hawk or something?
Hans: That’s the Manila Eagle you’re talking about, not some moo hawk. Don’t disrespect my plane, she runs faster than any plane you’ve ever operated. What’s the cargo?
Obi Wan: just me, this boy, and two droids. We need to be transported to Manila ASAP, no questions asked.
Hans: That’s my specialty. I want a million pesos or no deal.
Luke: A MILLION PESOS? You can buy a whole country with that much money
Hans: And my life. So take or leave it kid.
Obi Wan: We’ll take it.
Luke: Are you sure Ben? He looks like a con artist.
Obi Wan: We’ll take our chances. Lead us to the ship! And quick, I see some stormtroopers looking for us.
Hans: I’ll get my baby started faster than you can say, “strippers Hans.”
They leave the bar.
Skit 4:
Ben: Here are the plans, captain. (gives roll of paper to him)
Captain: Thanks for risking your lives to give us these plans. These plans could mean the victory of the Phillipines and our emancipation.
Luke: No problem, cap! Now can we go and save Leia?
Captain: Wait, first we need to find out what the weak spot of the Death Star is. (looks at blueprint with ben)
Collective: OH…
Ben: Now I see why darth vader wanted to keep this a secret….
Luke: Give me that! We’ll go to the Death Star, rescue Leia, and destroy the weak spot of the Death Star.
Captain: Sounds like a plan. Just be careful with dealing with the weak spot! It can be very… tempting…
Luke: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stuffs paper in his pocket.
Ben: Patience, Luke. Use the force and give yourself patience…
Hans: Hey are you guys coming or what? I’m tired of waiting for y’all.
Ben: we’re coming.
Luke: hell yeah! I can’t wait to see Leia and give her a big fat –
Ben: MANGO. (takes a mango out)
Luke: Huh?
Ben: The mangos of this island are very delicious, I’m sure your si-princess would highly appreciate this gift.
Luke: Uh sure, takes mango.
Hans: Come on guys, time waits for no one.
(they leave stage)
Skit 5:
Luke: yes, we’re on the death star!
Ben: quiet, do you want the enemy to hear us?
Luke: oh yeah sorry
Hans: All right, luke and I will go save the princess and destroy the weak spot.
Ben: And I’ll go face Darth Vader… I have some personal business with him.
(ben leaves the stage)
Luke: I wonder where she can be?
Hans: probably where they keep all prisoners?
Luke: OH I didn’t think of that, good idea
Storm troopers appear
Storm troopers: Invaders (attack hans and luke)
Luke; AHHHHH
Hans: quick, use the force luke!
Luke: what the fuck is the force?
Hans and luke get captured and brought to somewhere where leia is the three of them have their hands bound by storm troopers
Luke; WHY helloooo princess
Leia: good job at getting yourself captured while trying to save me…
Hans: well let’s see you try to save yourself princess
Princess: Fine! (turns around and punches storm trooper in the face
Storm trooper falls
She grabs the gun and shoots the other storm troopers, they fall
Hans and luke are free
They look at each other.
Luke: DAMN girl!
Hans: … I love you.
Leia: I know.
Skit 6:
Obi wan and darth vader
Obi Wan: The time has come.
Darth Vader: Yes it has, old friend.
Obi Wan: remember the days when I used to be your wingman and score you chicks at bars?
Darth Vader: Ah, those were the days…
Obi Wan: Anyway, no time for reminiscence, let’s draw our weapons.
(take our light sabers)
Darth Vader: now we duel!
(they start fighting)
obi wan: I have to say, your weak spot surprised me. But I always knew you had a soft spot in you.
Darth Vader; Not soft enough! HIYA (kill obi wan, stage lights go off) Luke’s voice NOOOOOOOOOOOO: (or not)
Stage lights on, only a robe is left
Luke is on stage: You’ll pay for this!
Darth vader: oh really? (walks off the stage)
Skit 7:
Hans: There’s the death star, Luke, get the plans out
Luke: I cant’ believe obi wan is dead..
Hans: No time for mourning now, let’s destroy that thing.
Luke gets out the plan, they look at it
Hans: What the…
Luke: I can’t believe…
Leia: The weak spot is a…
(They run to the death star on the table and take out a ballerina music box)
They play the music box, and some girly song fills the air
(or video of the music box on projector)
Leia: It’s so cute! I’m going to take this home.
Hans: no you have to destroy it! Its music is fueling the entire system!
Leia: But…
Luke: I’ll do it. For Obi Wan. (takes light saber and destroys it, music stops playing)
Hans: Who knew old Darth liked music boxes.
Leia: let’s go now, the ship is collapsing!
Hans: Quick to my ship!
They run off the stage
Skit 8:
Luke: I can’t believe Obi Wan is dead… what am I going to do without her? How am I going to learn the force, whatever that is?
Obi Wan’s voice: Luke, don’t despair, I’m still here.
Luke: Obi WAN?? You’re alive?
Obi Wan: Not just alive, Luke, but around you, in everything and anything, my essence is in the wind that whispers in your ears, in the grass underneath your feet, in the blue sky that dances above you. Luke, I have become part of the force.
Luke: That’s… AWESOME. How can I be like that too?
Obi Wan: it’s not your time yet Luke, you still have a lot to do. You have to learn the way of the force. My old master can help you with that. Her name is Yoda. She will help you defeat Darth Vader!
Luke: Cool! Where can I find her?
Obi Wan: She’s on the island of Cera (?), where mangos are abundant.
Luke: That reminds me I never gave Leia that mango you gave me
Obi Wan: Another time, Luke, you must find Yoda and learn the way of the Jedi.
Luke: All right, I’m going to be a Jedi!
End scene
Skit 9:
Yoda and Luke
Luke: you’re short.
Yoda: You’re a cad.
Luke: I thought you would be taller.
Yoda: I thought you were the chosen one… apparently not.
Luke: what, I’m the chosen one?
Yoda: No. Anyway, I know what you’re here for, so let’s get on to it. Learn the force, Luke.
Luke: Yeah!
They just stand there
Luke: Um, what am I supposed to do?
Yoda: Everything.
(video shows of them trying different things)
Yoda: Congratulations Luke, you are on the path to becoming a jedi!
Luke: Yeah! Let’s battle
Yoda: No you are still too far to being able to battle me…
Luke: Fine, I’ll just do this then. (uses force)
Yoda’s tea cup drops from his hand
Yoda: You’ll pay for that eventually youngling. Not now though you must go now and fight Darth Vader!
Luke: Finally!
Skit 10:
Luke: I’ve been waiting for this
Darth Vader: Me too, more than you know…
Luke: You killed Obi Wan!
Darth Vader: Not really…
Luke: Still, he has no body now, and that’s your fault!
Darth Vader: Okay?
Luke: You’ll pay for that!
they fight
darth vader cuts luke’s arm off
Luke: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
End scene
Skit 11:
Emperor’s voice: Luke, luke, luke
Luke: Am I dreaming? What am I hearing? Is it the pain talking?
Emperor: No you’re not dreaming, Luke. I am the emperor and I have come to give you a mission.
Luke: Go away, I don’t’ want to hear it. I’ve had enough of missions and Jedi and the force.
Emperor; NO, Luke, listen to me. You must kill Darth Vader?
Luke: How? He’s so much stronger than me.
Emperor: You must Luke, for the sake of the republic…
Emperor leaves
Leia and Obi Wan appears:
Leia: Luke! Are you okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Luke: I think I just have…
Leia: What?
Luke: He told me to kill Darth Vader.
Obi Wan: It won’t be easy Luke.. Because, Luke, he’s your and Leia’s father.
LUKE AND LEIA: WHAT?
Luke: We’re related? So all the wet dreams I’ve been having, I’ve been having of my SISTER?
Leia: Oh my god…
Luke: By the way, here’s a mango.
Leia: oh thanks.
Skit 12
Darth Vader: We meet again Luke
Luke: Yeah, this time, I’m going to kill you.
They fight, luke ends up standing above darth vader’s body
Emperor: KILl HIM!!
Luke: No I can’t, he’s my father, he turns around
Emperor: Then I will kill you... (rushes forward with saber)
Darth Vader kills him but is killed too
Darth collapses
Luke: take off your mask
He takes it off
Darth Vader: I am your father…
(dies)
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Skit 13
Yay darth vader is dead, the empire is gone, celebration.
Skit 14:
Video of rei giving luke light saber (ending to force awakens)
